Growing up

Ironic.
That's how I call it.
I never expected this to let me see things from your perspectives. Seeing things from your perspectives make it easier to forget you. Really. Cause I began to see things from a different light and really, it is like so awesome and surprising. What I had in mind initially of your thoughts were mostly wrong. I found that I began to understand you better and accept what you did to me. Cause if it was me, I would have perhaps done the same too. I finally understood what it means that the hatred is built up over time. So is like, I don't really blame you anymore. Cause I understood your reasons. Come to think of it, I feel, still feel, really regretful that I had been so immature in the past. I had not been so sensitive to your feelings and didn't know how to behave properly like an adult, as in such that I won't hurt you with my insensitive actions. Really, I am beginning to see things from another perspective. I was pondering it over these few days. Surprisingly, when I first see things from your perspectives, I really could calm down. The feeling wasn't so intense. Just regrets. Because I realised you were right. Perhaps you didn't like me initially, found the right "spot" in your life. We were really suckish. I know how it feels. How it feels to tell them you feel left out. Cause if it was me, I couldn't have done it to. I would have moved on to greener pasture. So I don't blame you, really. Just that, I think maybe if I looked back at this incident when I am more matured, perhaps I would have told them. Yeah, perhaps. Empathy. It really let you see things from a different perspectives. Then you just realised the other person just felt left out. And you felt it was right. And you felt like a jerk. I know it is awkward to talk to someone after you have not had a proper conversation with the person for a few months. The pain is perhaps still there. Because I realised with recent incidents that the pain makes every happy moments a pale shadow. The hatred and unhappiness built up over time overpowers everything. Same for me. So I fully understand what you went through. I am just sorry for everything I have done. I should hadn't been so shy to express my problems. Shouldn't have kept everything to myself. So I learnt to confide. Because keeping everything to yourself isn't good. It's unhealthy. I just realised it. So I learnt to confide. If I could rewind time, I would wish I had been more matured back then and not so shy and embarrassed to share, then perhaps this friendship would have been salvaged and even become better. Perhaps my life would be so much happier. Really. Without you in the beginning was pure hell. Cause I realised I went too deep into the friendship. I was growing up. I felt very confused and really needed directions in my life. Life was evolving. I just want to say "Sorry" for everything I have done. Everything was justified perhaps. But perhaps it was "" , because it opened my eyes to learning life skills. It made me learnt many. To cherish others like never before because you never know what will happen tomorrow. To be more sensitive. To learn to share. To learn to trust. But I won't blame myself too much because environmental and prior experiences and personality made me unwilling. I will just change. And what's more, you have a good and happy life now. With your newly- found friends, your life has never been so happy. So I just realised that our friendships were perhaps never meant to be. We hadn't find our “spots" in life. You have found yours I guess. So I am happy for you, though rueful, wishing I had cherished you more. But time does not wait for man. Then I was thinking, so what if we got back? Would it be a happy one? I doubt so. Because our friendship is already so strained. It's been so many months without a single proper decent conversation. And what's more, I doubt I will fit in with you, your life, and your newly- found clique. So then I will be like "Why aren't we what we used to be? Why aren't you talking much to me?" Then we would argue. then our friendship would strain further. Then finally when it all ends, it would be an extremely bitter breakup. Then my life and your life would be in shambles. So in short, the consequences would be disastrous. So perhaps things should be left where it was. I regret some but don't regret some. Even though I extremely wished to go back to the past ,rewind, reset, but nah, it would be impossible, Even though I longed to get back with you because the memories we had were just so hard to let go, I have to let go. Because destiny has planned out the routes of life. Every action leads to a consequence. Because even it we got back, it may and most likely won't be a happy one which would eventually lead to a breakup. I know how awkward it is to see me everyday and I see you everyday without talking. It only makes you immune to it and somehow makes the hatred deeper. I don't want that to happen. I want to lead the remaining 6 months with this class on a happy note. So I shall be more "talking" to open up so things with you would get better. I don't really harbour any thoughts of getting back with you but it's allright. I understand. Because things have already changed. No longer possible to go back in time and reset. I won't force things the hard way. I finally understood, 7 months later. Only. So your actions are justified. Be it in the past or now. I will let go. Of something that won't work out.